Losing Everything Never Hurt So Good
by call.me.alex
Summary: “What? That my best friend didn’t kill herself? That she didn’t say she was in love with me in the letter she left me? That she didn’t scratch my name into her arms!” Ashley Her best friend's dead, she drink too much. Can one blonde change her life?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So this is a story I recently started, and it really isn't like the "4-parters" I've been writing lately. This one might actually have a happy ending. Anyways, I already have the 2****nd**** and 3****rd**** chapter written, they just need to be edited. I won't however post 'em if you guys don't like this, so tell me what you think. The whole thing is written in Ashley's POV. Enjoy everyone!**

Losing Every Thing Never Hurt So Good

Chapter 1: Ripping Out the Soul

"_I don't get it Ashley! Why, why have you ignored me these past few months? Does our friendship mean nothing to you anymore?" she asked, tears falling across her face. _

_My heart was breaking. I didn't think it was possible. My heart was no longer with me._

"_NO! What we had, our friendship, it meant the world to me!" I quickly replied._

_She stepped closer to me. _

"_Then what is it? Why are you doing this? We've been best friends for five years! What did I do?"_

"_You didn't do anything. It's me. It's me, okay?"_

"_Please, just tell me how we can fix this. I just want to understand. You've always told me everything. Why are you hiding?"_

"_Because….I'm in love with you," I muttered._

I jolted out of bed. I looked around to find myself in the black of my room. I was covered in sweat, _again_. I've had this dream almost every night for months now. I just wanted it all to end.

"So Ashley, is there anything you specifically want to talk about today?" Dr. Simon asked.

"Well, these dreams. The ones I've told you about," I replied.

My therapist. He's been there for me for almost six months now. A week after _it _happened, my mom introduced us.

"What about them?"

I watched him pull out his notebook. The one that he wrote my life story in. I _hated _that book.

"They haven't gone away. It's the same one every night. I mean, I never _had _that conversation. I've never _met_ this girl. And, I most certainly _am not_ gay."

"You say that, but how do you know?"

"How do I know what? That I'm not gay?"

"That, but also how do you know you've never met this girl?"

"Okay, I don't know for sure whether or not I met this girl, but I'm 110 percent sure that I like boys, _not _girls!"

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to offend you."

"Whatever. Just, what the hell does the dream mean?"

"To be honest, I'm not 100 percent sure. I can tell you a few of my theories."

"Okay, go for it doc."

He frowned at my response.

"It might be you're mind's way of explaining a few events in your past. It could be your own way of dealing with what happened. Or…"

"Or what?!"

"Or, this girl is a symbol. A symbol for what your subconscious knows, but your conscious refuses to believe."

"What? That my best friend didn't kill herself? That she didn't say she was in love with me in the letter she left me? That she didn't scratch _my _name into her arms?!"

I was now crying. It's been almost six months. I miss her so much.

_We were lying on the green fields that surrounded her house, staring up at the sky._

"_I love watching the clouds. It makes me feel closer to something great."_

_I turned and faced her. _

"_Do you believe in God Jay?"_

_She shrugged. "I'm not really sure. I mean, sometimes I look around at the world's beauty, and wonder, how could there _not _be a greater being. Then, I watch the news. I see all the pain and hurt, and I quickly doubt it. What about you?"_

"_I think…I think God _does_ exist. I mean, he must, because he gave me such a great best friend."_

_She smiled._

"_Thanks Ashy."_

I'm sitting here, in my room, holding the letter that I've read every day, every day since I found out. She killed herself at midnight, the midnight _after _my birthday. After we spent the whole day together, doing everything we loved. And just like I did the first time, it made me cry. I couldn't help it. Every time I read it, I realized _just_ how much I failed her.

"_What do you mean she's dead?! I was just with her. Just an hour ago!" I couldn't control my breathing. It was my first panic attack in weeks._

"_Please, breathe sweetie."_

"_Breathe?! How the _fuck _am I supposed to breathe right now?! My best friend just killed herself!"_

"_I know that Ash, but she wouldn't want you to have a panic attack!" my mom said in tears as well. My mom always used to call Jamie my long lost twin; her other daughter; my sister. And now…she was dead. _

"_She left something for you," the officer said, approaching me._

"_She did?" I asked looking up._

"_Yeah, a letter." _

_He held it out to me. I took it, very hesitantly. I suddenly wanted to vomit. I didn't _want _to know what it said…but I did, all at the same time._

_I opened it…very slowly._

_Hey there Ashy. Before you read anymore, please, don't ever blame your self. Don't ever say that this was your fault, or you should've tried harder to help. It wasn't your fault that I never told you the truth. It's not your fault that I hid my life from you. You never did anything wrong. Because of you, I _do _believe in God. God sent me an angel and her name was Ashley Davies. Do you remember that one night I snuck into your window and slept over? We stayed up all night talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. I think I'm gonna miss that the most. Those little things we always did: Laying in the fields, listening to music for hours at a time, inside jokes, playing on the swings in your front yard, The Office marathons. I know that what I've done is probably killing you, and for that I'm sorry. I've _never _wanted to hurt you. Truth is Ashy, I'm…in love with you. I have been for a while now. I never told you because, well I was scared. I was scared of losing you. I would've rather kept you as my best friend, then to tell you the truth and lose you forever. I'm sorry that I was selfish in that aspect. Please Ashy, just take of your self. Remember the good, never the bad. _

_Love always,_

_JayJay_

How could I have not seen it? It had to have been there, right? The thing that made me mad the most, is how I never noticed how she felt. I never would've shunned her for it, though. As much as I don't think I could've handled the truth, I still wish she had told me. We _never _kept secrets. But obviously, she _did._

"Hey Ash," Anna greeted.

"Hey An," I replied.

We walked to French in silence. This is how it was every day. Even though we were close, she still couldn't replace my Jay, and everyone knew that.

"So, are you going to Selena's party tonight?" she asked as we sat down.

"I think so. I've been waiting for a night to just get hammered and forget, you know?"

"Yeah…I gotcha," she frowned.

"I don't mean it like what you think," I quickly said.

"How do I know that, huh? Every since she died, you've gotten shit faced every weekend and have had more one night stands than any hooker I know."

"What the fuck Anna?! You have _no _right to talk to me like that! I already have a God damn mother!"

"All I'm saying is, it's not healthy. She wouldn't want you doing this."

"Well she's not here, now is she?"

"No," she sighed in defeat.

"Don't you dare fucking look at me like this is my damn fault!" I yelled.

"Well it is. She cried for an hour in the bathroom. A whole God damn hour! Who else am I supposed to blame?!" Marc screamed.

"It's not my fault your bitchy girlfriend thinks she can give me advice, like I'm some sort of fucking kid."

"You're being one Ash. No one knows you anymore. Why are you doing this to your self? You think this would make Jamie happy?"

"You don't even fucking know her," I said through my teeth.

"But I did know her Ash. I knew how much she cared for you. How much it'd break her heart if she knew you were doing this!"

"Go fucking tell your girlfriend I'm sorry or whatever," I replied, walking off.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: All You Need Is a Little Push

"Davies, you're late. _Again,_" Mrs. Barklee barked.

"Yeah, sorry, I uh…had woman issues." Yeah that's pretty much bullshit, and she knows it.

"Detention. Today. After school."

"Whatever."

Awesome, that's the second one this week!

I sat in the back. There were only three other people. Yesterday, it was just me. Detention isn't something that is given out that often at our school. But, surprise surprise, I always have one. I looked at the clock. I had 5 more minutes of freedom before my thirty minutes of hell started. I pulled out my iPod and started to play "Imagine" by John Lennon. It was one of Jamie's favorites. All the music that ever flooded through my head nowadays was.

"Hey, may I sit here?"

I pulled out the ear buds when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. There, right in front of me was _her_. It was her, the girl from my dreams. I suddenly had no idea what to say.

She laughed. What an amazing laugh.

"So can I?" she asked.

"Can you what?"

"Can I sit here?" she asked, laughing.

"Uh..yeah, sure."

She sat beside me, and I still couldn't help but stare. I had never seen her before, but I knew her. I _knew _her!

"I…I'm Ashley."

She giggled.

"Nice to meet you Ashley, I'm Spencer."

"Uhm, I know this might sound kind of weird, but have we met?"

"You don't remember?"

"Uh, no, sorry, I don't."

She looked hurt.

"I'm sorry. I…I don't have the best memory," I quickly said. That was total bullshit. My memory was rock solid. Well, unless I was drunk or high. Oh…shit!

"We, uh…"

"Fuck," I whispered, shutting my eyes in preparation for her answer. "Please tell me we did _not _have sex."

She looked down. "I'm sorry; I know I'm not all too pretty or anything but I-"

I quickly cut her off. "Who told you that you weren't pretty?"

"Well, judging by your reaction, I'm gonna guess that that's what you think."

"NO! No, that's not it at all. It's just…well, I'm not _gay._"

"None of us are…until we are."

"What does _that_ mean?"

"It means, don't hide who you are."

I didn't know how to reply. But lucky for me, it was too late to say anything anyways. Our thirty minutes of hell had officially started.

"Hey, Ashy, wait up," I heard Spencer call out.

I quickly turned and faced her.

"Don't you ever fucking call me that!" I replied, with venom seething from my voice.

I saw her cringe, and almost immediately regretted it. Key word: _almost._

"I'm…sorry."

I looked down, "No, I'm sorry. That was wrong of me to talk to you that way."

"Uh, Ash, you really don't remember it, _at all_?"

_It, _being the sex I presume.

"Not really. I mean, can you at least give me some sort of date?"

She gave me a huge grin.

As soon as she said the date, I froze. I had no idea how to react. Then, when I finally reached my car to start heading home, the flashback hit me harder than a ton of bricks.

"_Hey, is this seat taken?" some blonde hair girl asked._

_I looked down at the empty spot on the couch. _

"_Uh, no. You can sit here if you want."_

"_Thanks," she smiled. "I'm Spencer by the way."_

_I turned and faced her. "Ash," I said, then quickly turning back away from her._

_We sat there for quite a while, with an awkward silence between us, when she finally talked again._

"_So, you know this girl well? The one throwing the party?" she asked._

"_Uh, no. Truth is, I don't even know her name. I just heard there was a party, and I came. I kinda needed it."_

"_Oh. May I ask why you _needed_ it?"_

"_You wanna go for a walk? It's too loud in here."_

_She quickly smiled, "Okay."_

_We started to walk outside, down a street that I knew led to a nearby park. It was dark outside, it must have been about 11 or 12, but the street lights made it easy to see. _

"_So, I'm assuming that by bringing me here, you want to tell me something. Am I right?" she asked._

"_I don't know. Not at all. I've never even seen you before. But for some reason, I feel compelled to tell you my darkest secrets. Maybe because I know you'll never repeat what I'll say, or maybe it's because you seem too innocent and good, and it's about time someone told you that the world isn't sugar and sweet at all."_

_I watched her start to frown, but not out of anger, more out of sadness, as though I were going to tell her that she was dying or something._

"_Ash, just tell me what's wrong."_

_I heard her plea, and what the hell, talking never hurt anyone. Well, as long as the listener kept the words to themselves. I may not even remember this tomorrow morning. _

"_Someone died last night."_

_She turned and faced me. I had just now noticed that we had finally reached the park. She sat down on a bench, and motioned for me to sit next to her. _

"_Go on," she said, when I finally sat._

"_My…best friend, she uh…killed herself."_

"_I'm so s-"_

_I quickly cut her off, no longer wanting to hear those words._

"_Don't."_

_She looked away from my gaze. "Okay."_

"_Anyways, she wrote this letter, and well, basically, she said that she was in love with me."_

"_Oh, wow. How are-"_

"_Please have the decency _not _to ask me how I am."_

"_Okay, I'm sorry. I won't. Why'd she kill herself?"_

"_I…she never really said, but the police said that they suspect it was because of her parents. She told her parents that she was gay about two years ago. I think that has something to do with it. Anyways, according to the police reports, when they found her, she also had bruises and…" I suddenly wanted to vomit again. _

"_It's okay Ashley. You have to let it out."_

_I looked down at my hands. They were shaking. Then, out of nowhere, I felt the warmth of her hand, as she intertwined our fingers. I looked back up at her._

"_She was raped."_

_I watched her mouth fall open. I knew that I would be crying before the night was over._

"_Can I ask…by who?"_

"_By…by her step-dad." And just like that, I was sobbing. It was the first time I spoke those words. The first time it _truly _hit me. Just how much I had let her down. Just how much it was _killing _me that she had endured all of that. I was quickly snapped out of my own head, when I felt her arms wrap around me. I couldn't help but sob into her shoulder. Although I didn't know her, there was something there. Something that just made me feel _safe_. _

_When I felt my self calm down, she pulled away from me, but only a little. Our foreheads were practically touching. _

"_I'm not gay," I heard myself whisper._

"_I know," she replied, and yet, neither of us moved. "Neither am I."_

_I couldn't help but laugh. "But you-"_

"_-You _assumed_ I was," she said, cutting me off._

"_So what are we to do?" I smiled. "We're both straight, we're both unable to move and I…really want to kiss you right now."_

"_But, you're still drunk," she replied with a frown._

"_Not enough to forget this tomorrow morning," I smiled. _

_Her breathing started to get heavier. I _felt _her heart beating faster. _

"_I've never…uh…"_

"_You've never been kissed?" I asked quizzically._

_She blushed. She looked so beautiful at that moment. _

"_No," she finally said._

"_Don't worry. I won't…hurt you."_

_She smiled and moved closer. It was then that I noticed where our hands were: Mine, on her waist, and hers, around my neck._

_When our lips met, I felt alive. We had sex, no we made love, right there in that empty park. _

"Holy shit!" I yelled to myself once it all hit me.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Talking Just Isn't My Thing

"So, you remember her?"

"Isn't that what I've been saying for the past twenty minutes? Jeez, for a shrink, you're kinda stupid sometimes."

I felt his eyes roll as he tried to ignore my constant insults.

"So, how do you feel about it?" he asked.

"I don't know. I mean, I felt something that night, but I'm not sure if it was real, or if it was me just trying to forget what had happened to me."

"Ah, I see," he said, writing in his book.

I stood up. "God damn it! I fucking hate that book! Why the hell are you always writing in it?!"

"Ashley, have you been taking your medicine?" he asked, calmly.

"Yes, every day," I replied, my anger quickly fading.

"Good. I've been talking to your mother, and we both agree that it's time to up your dose."

Now I was back in "anger" mode.

"Up my dose?! You want to up my medicine? Why, so you can all _put up _with me? Am I that bad? Huh, doc?"

"That's not what I'm saying Ash-"

"It's Ashley to you!" I said bitterly.

"Ashley. We just want to look out for you."

"You just want my mother's money. You could care _less_ about me."

He stood up now.

"That is the _farthest_ from the truth!"

I walked towards the door.

"We still have fifteen minutes."

I turned and faced him.

"Do whatever the fuck you want. Make my meds stronger, till they make me die, for all I care. I'll take them; just get rid of that _fucking _book. This is _my _story and _I _will be the _only _one to tell it."

"Hello?" I asked, picking up the phone.

"Ash, please come home," my mother pleaded.

I was sitting on the railing of my old middle school where I used to surprise Jamie every day of her 8th grade. I missed this place. I missed the way things were. I missed _her._

"I need some time. I'll be home in a few hours," I replied.

"At least tell me where you are."

I calmly sighed. As much as I wanted to hate her at that very moment, I couldn't.

"I'm at Ravens Middle school."

"Why are you _there?_"

"I needed to think," I simply said.

"Okay, just be home soon. I lo-"

I hung up before she had the chance to utter the phrase. I couldn't hear it. Not now.

I looked around. The last time I was here was the day of her funeral. I didn't go, so instead, I came here. I couldn't bear to say bye, or at least not at a grave. This place felt better. It suited _her _better.

_I sat on the rails crying. I got as far as a block away from the cemetery before I immediately turned around. I just couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. That's not how _she _would want me to say bye. I looked at the classroom door that I was now facing, and a smile crept across my face. _

"_I always loved seeing that smile you gave me when I came to see you here," I began. I felt like she was there, like she could hear me say all the things I should be saying _there_, at her funeral. "I think my favorite was the first time. I remember how hard I worked to find out who your homeroom teacher was. How much I had to _beg_ my dad to let me sneak onto the school to see you. How you're your face lit up, when you saw me sitting here, waiting for you. You were wearing that over sized Dickies sweater." I laughed. "The one that belonged to your sister's boyfriend." I looked down at my feet. "I'll always miss days like that."_

_I sat there, for what felt like hours until I felt another's presence._

"_The funeral is over Ash."_

_It was Anna._

"_I know."_

"_Are you going to let me take you home?"_

"_Can we go somewhere first?"_

I looked down at the flowers that were in my hands.

"You always said how much you hated roses. How roses meant love, but daffodils…they meant forever," I said aloud. I laid them right in front of her grave. I sat there, just reading the head stone, over and over again.

_Beloved daughter, sister, and friend. Jamie Mitchell. _

"_Can we go somewhere first?" I asked._

"_Yeah, anywhere."_

_It didn't take long for us to get to the cemetery. I walked right up to where she'd lie…for the rest of time. _

"_I love you JayJay, forever," I said as I laid the flowers down. I walked to Anna's car, slowly. Right as I went to open the door, I looked back, and I couldn't help but let out a little smile. _

I stood there, waiting for the door to open. When it finally did, her smile made me melt.

"Hi," she said.

I walked right up to her and hugged her. Our bodies molded, and it was as though we were made for each other.

"Hi," I whispered, breathing in her scent. "Has anyone ever told you that you smell like lavender?"

She giggled. "No, but thank you…I think."

I kissed her neck. "You smell amazing."

"Why are you here Ashy-I mean Ash."

I pulled away a little, letting my hands rest on her hips, ignoring the fact that she had just said Ashy.

"I just…I remember everything."

Her face lit up. "That's a good thing, right?"

I smiled. "It's a _very _good thing."

"How about you come in, and we can talk."

"Yeah, okay."

She pulled me inside, and I watched her slowly close the door. I didn't know her. She didn't know me. But this thing, that pulled us together, made none of that matter.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I'm really sorry it took so long for me to update. School started on Monday, and I'm already up my ass in homework. So this is the 4th chapter. Hope you guys like it. The 5th chapter should be up within a few days.**

Chapter 4: So…What Now?

We sat on her couch, our knees touching.

"So, what does this mean for us?" she asked, turning to face me.

"I'm not exactly sure. I mean, I think…I wanna be with you, but-"

"But, you don't know if you're ready."

"I just, I feel like I'm betraying her somehow."

"But you're not. I think she'd want you to be happy Ash."

"How do you know that?"

She shrugged, "Because if you being happy, meant being with someone else besides me, then I'd let you go, as cliché as that may sound."

I smiled and leaned in, letting my lips linger on hers for several minutes.

"Thank you Ja-Spencer."

We both froze. She stood up.

"You…you almost called me-"

"I didn't mean too!" I was now standing up as well.

"But…you did," she said, her voice cracking.

"Please Spencer, I didn't mean it. It was probably because I mentioned her."

She walked towards the door and opened it.

"I think you should leave," she said, lightly pushing me outside.

I turned and faced her.

"Can I at least call you later or something?"

She looked down at her shoes.

"Give me your phone."

I quickly handed it over to her and watched her push down several keys. She handed it back to me, a little harshly.

"Goodnight Ashley."

"Night Sp--" I was cut off by the door being slammed, right in my face. I sighed in defeat, and headed back to my car.

"God, Jay, this would be the part where I ask your advice, and I can't even do _that!_"

"_So, guess who asked me out?"_

"_Who?!" Jamie asked. She was still giggling from our tickle fight that had just occurred._

"_No, you have to guess!"_

"_Okay, okay. Uhm…Adam Brody?"_

"_Har har… I wish!"_

_We both began to laugh hysterically._

"_Was it…Aiden?"_

"_Yeah, it was!" _

"_No way! You've been crushing on that guy for…forever!"_

"_I know!"_

"_What'd you say?"_

_I frowned. "That I'm not allowed to date for another year."_

_She laughed._

"_Why are you laughing? This is so _not _funny!"_

"_Ashy, you're only in the 8__th__ grade! What's the point of dating now anyways?"_

"_True. Well, we can still crush, right?"_

_She bounced up with a smile._

"_Of course we can!"_

"_So, then tell me JayJay, who are we crushing on this week?"_

_Her face quickly turned serious._

"_Can I tell you something Ash?"_

_I could tell just how serious she was, because she was no longer using my nickname. I reached over and cupped her cheek._

"_Course you can Jay."_

"_Promise you'll still love me?"_

_I laughed._

"_Of course I will."_

"_I…I think I'm lesbian."_

_I smiled._

"_I know Jay."_

_I could've _sworn _I heard her release a breath. One that I was almost _positive_ she had been holding._

"How did you know Jay? I mean, how'd you figure it out? That you liked girls? I'm lost here, and I just wish I had you here, so you could tell me that everything is going be fine."

"So, do you always talk to yourself when no one's around?"

I turned to see who had just sat beside me.

"Hi Spencer."

"Hey."

"How'd you know I'd be here?"

"I just had a feeling. Something told me that after what happened, this is where you'd be."

I reached down and ran my fingers over the headstone.

"I hate that I can't let her go."

"I don't think you should."

I turned to look at her. I was confused.

"What do you mean?"

"Why would you want to let her go? She was your best friend for so long."

I turned to look back at the grass before me.

"I know, but it hurts sometimes. I just wanna forget. Make it stop hurting."

"Is that you always got drunk and had all those one night stands? In an attempt to forget?"

I turned to face her, and I couldn't believe what she had just said.

"Who told you that?" I glared.

"Anna paid me a visit right after you left."

"She had _no _right to tell you that."

She reached over and cupped my face. I grabbed her hand and carefully pulled away.

"That's not why she came to see me."

"Then _why_?"

She slightly cringed at the bitterness that was now in my voice.

"I'm not sure how she knows, but…she knows about _us, _whatever it is that _we_ are. Anyways, she said that if I broke your heart, she'd kill me."

"Well, that's nice or whatever," I said looking down.

She pulled my chin up, and made me look into her eyes.

"She's your friend Ash. She's just worried, and quite frankly, so am I."

"Can we go now?"

"If you want, yeah, we can."

I stood up, and held out my hand. She tilted her head, as if asking what I was doing, or where I was going to go.

"Do you trust me?" I asked, now smiling.

"With my hea-life."

I smiled even bigger, knowing what she was going to say.

"Come on, there's somewhere I'd like to take you."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I just had to repost this chapter because I had a few major mistakes. Lol. Sorry for any confusion!**

Chapter 5: Just Full of Surprises

"Where are we?" she asked.

"There's someone that I was meaning to visit, and I'm pretty sure she'd love to meet you," I replied smiling.

"Okay," she replied.

I stepped out of the car and walked I walked around to the passenger's side. I opened the door and watched her step out, grabbing a hold of my hand. It was only then that I noticed what she was wearing. Her skirt was short, with a few little holes here and there, and her blue polo just made her eyes that much more vibrant.

"You look beautiful," I whispered into her ear.

"Thank you," she blushed. "You're not too bad yourself."

I laughed.

"Come on, before I have my way with you here and now."

She giggled, "Okay."

"Oh my God! Ash…and, who is this?"

"Sara, this is Spencer, Spencer, this is Sara. Jamie's sister."

I watched them as they shook hands, both smiling.

"It's very nice to meet you Sara. I've heard so much of Jamie. I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Thank you. That means a lot."

Spencer smiled softly and looked over at me, then faced Sara again.

"I just wish I could've known her."

"I think she would've liked you," I whispered in her ear.

"Well, how about we go inside. I'm sure the rents would love to see you Ash."

"Yeah, okay," I replied, feeling Spencer's hand grip mine tighter.

I followed Sara inside, leading Spencer and I to the couch in the living room.

"So why'd you bring me here?" Spencer whispered to me as we sat down.

"If it weren't for Sara and her parents, I would've been lost after Jamie died. Her parents are just as close as mine. I would love it if the most important people in my life got along."

She smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

"Wait, isn't Sara's step-dad the one that-"

"Right, I forgot to tell you. Jamie and Sara were each raised by different parents. When Jamie was 3 and Sara was 8, their parents had a divorce. Sara went to live with her dad, and Jamie lived with her mother."

"Oh."

I smiled as I watched things click in her head.

"So, then when Sara said 'the rents'-"

"She means her father and step-mom."

"Oh, wow. Did they…uh, have any idea about Jamie?"

"No, no one did outside that house."

"What happened to their mom?"

"She's in a clinic getting help."

"What do you mean Ash?"

"Well, let's just say that Jamie wasn't the only one getting pushed around in that house."

Before Spencer had the chance to ask anything else, Sara and her parents had finally joined us. I stood up, immediately noticing Mr. Mitchell's smile, and open arms. I walked towards him, smiling into his embrace.

"It's so good to see you Ashley. We've missed your laugh," he said.

"I've missed you too Mr. M."

"Ash, it's so great to have you here," Mrs. Mitchell said.

"I always love being here."

They both smiled. I watched Sara stand by Spencer, and I could've sworn she whispered something in her ear.

"Oh, before I forget, there's someone I'd like you all to meet." I pulled Spencer close to me, wrapping my arm around her waist. "Mr. and Mrs. M, this is Spencer. Spencer this is Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell."

Spencer held out her hand. "It's so nice to meet you."

Mr. Mitchell shook his head, and engulfed Spencer in a bear hug, all the while Sara and her step-mother giggled.

"Well, as much as I know you love to hang out with us geezers, how about the three of you go up to Sara's room?" Mr. M said.

"Okay, sounds good to me."

I stood up and held Spencer's hand as we walked to Sara's room. It had been so long since I had been here, about a little over 6 or 7 months. The last time I had been here, had been with Jamie. Being here, again, was a little hard. It brought up old memories.

_We were sitting on Sara's bed, Jamie and I. Jamie had just turned 15, and her sister was now a junior in college. Sara's room felt empty now._

"_Do you talk to her often?" I asked._

"_Not really. I mean, she calls me at least once a week. But you know, with work and class, she doesn't really have a lot of free time," Jamie replied._

"_Well, you always have me Jay."_

_She turned and smiled at me._

"_Thanks Ashy."_

_I lied back on the bed, and watched as Jamie did the same. I never really noticed before, but she always seemed to be a lot calmer and happier in Sara's room. Almost as happy as when we were laying in the grassy fields. _

"_Hey Ashy?"_

_I turned my head until brown met green._

"_Yeah Jay?"_

"_Will you promise that you and I will stay friends, no matter what?"_

_I smiled softly at her and held her hand._

"_We'll stay the _best _of friends, no matter what. I promise."_

_She smiled back at me and turned to look up at the ceiling. She fell asleep shortly after._


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Story

"So, uhm, I guess we're here," I said as I turned off my car.

"Thank you Ash. It meant a lot to me," Spencer replied.

I smiled up at her, "It was my pleasure."

"Uhm, what…when will I see you?"

I looked down at the steering wheel.

"What are we Spence?" I asked her, although it was more of a thought that I needed to say aloud.

"I'm not sure. I mean, you said you weren't ready yet, right?"

"Yeah, I know."

She turned my head and leaned in until I could feel her slow breath on my lips.

"Then I'll just have to wait, now won't I?"

"You'd really do that?"

She smiled brightly.

"For you, I'd do almost anything."

She then kissed my cheek and got out of my car. Not looking back at me until her front door was almost closed.

What was this girl doing to me?

"So, your mother has told me that you've been having a few less outbursts lately. Is that true in your opinion?" Dr. Howard asked.

"Yeah, I mean I guess. I can't exactly judge myself, don't ya think doc?"

"Yes true, but still, I'd like to know what you think."

I stood up and began pacing back and forth.

"I think…" I stopped and looked down at him. For once, he wasn't writing anything. "Where's your-my book?"

"I got rid of it. Isn't that what you asked me to do?"

"Yes, but I didn't think you'd actually do it."

"You said something last week, that this was "your story" and that you wanted to tell "it." What exactly did you mean Ashley?"

"I meant that….well I'm not entirely sure."

I sat back down.

"Have you thought about writing?"

"Like a book or something?"

He smiled and nodded.

"Or something."

"No, guess not."

He stood up and walked over to his book shelf. He walked over to me and placed a book in my lap. I opened it and flipped through the pages.

"Hey, what gives, all of the pages are blank?"

"Exactly. Ashley, what you said the other day, you were right. You have a story to tell, and I think you should write it, if not for others, then for yourself."

"So he just gave you an empty book and told you to write?" Anna asked.

"Yeah, I mean basically," I replied.

She sat down in her desk and I followed suit.

"That's so weird. What are you going to write?"

"I don't fucking know!"

"Well shit Ash, I was just asking."

I looked down, ashamed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you."

"Why don't you just write about things that have happened to you? Like a diary or something."

"Yeah, maybe that's what I'll do," I replied.

_Dear diary_

_Dear shit_

_Dear fucking ridiculous notebook,_

_I feel so fucking stupid doing this, but everyone tells me it might help, so here goes. I'm not entirely sure how this shit works. Do I introduce myself? I mean, if this is for me, why bother?! Well, whatever, I guess I might as well. So, my name's Ashley, but everyone calls me Ash. I…uh, I'm stuck._

"Ashley?" I hear my mom shout.

I walk to the stair case.

"Yeah mom?"

"Oh, I was just making sure you were here. Make sure you come down in half an hour for you medicine."

"Okay, will do."

I walked back to my desk and sat back down. Scratching my head, hoping it'd help to give me ideas of what to write.

_So, I'm 17 and I recently lost my best friend. Her name…was Jamie. _

I continued to write for what seemed like hours. Maybe it was. I just remember my mom, rushing upstairs and throwing two pills at me and a glass of water. My pen never leaving the page, I took them. And I remained there in that seat, until I had written everything about Jamie that I could think about at that moment.

_And this, is why from now on, your name shall be Jamie, because it is her that this is being written for. _

With that last sentence, I felt done. And tomorrow, I'd finally write about me, but today, today was for her.

The next morning, I felt something move around me. It made me freeze. If I weren't so tired, my eyes would've snapped open, but I simply had no strength. It had to be early, because I could feel the sun's rays hit my naked back. I could hear my mother's foot steps down stairs. And then, I felt a body press closer to me. I stopped breathing. I couldn't help but think _what the hell? _I slowly opened my eyes, and my mouth fell open at what I saw.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: So I wasn't going to post for a few days, but whatev's. Here's the next chapter. It's a little shorter than the rest, but I think it's still a good one. Enjoy everyone!**

Chapter 7: I Must Be Dreaming

My arm is draped around this figure. Her back is pressed close to my chest. My face is buried in her neck and I can smell her. _Mhm…lavender. _I finally smile, because I knew who this was. I laid a few soft kisses on her shoulder and neck. She finally began to shift, and she turned to face me.

"Hey," I whispered, smiling.

"Hey. I uh…I'm sorry," Spencer replied giggling.

I laughed, "Why are you sorry?"

"I was supposed to come up here, and wake you, but I saw you sleeping, and I was kinda tired, and well…one thing led to another and--"

"And now you're laying here with me, making me smile. Have I ever told you that you're cute when you ramble?"

She blushed and buried her face in my neck.

"No, but I'm glad you like my faults."

"It's not a fault," I smiled. "Faults are things that are judged, rather than admired."

She laughed, "You're more of a romantic than you lead on, Ash."

"Only with you."

I felt her making circles on my stomach.

"You have amazing abs," she whispered. "Oh my God, did I just say that aloud?"

I laughed, "Well, it's good to know."

She blushed, yet again. It was a sight that I don't think I'd ever get tired of.

"Are you ready to get up?" I asked, pulling away from her, only just the tiniest bit.

"No, but we probably should."

"Yeah, probably," I said standing up. "Come on, maybe I'll make you some breakfast."

"Aw, since when do you do breakfast the next morning."

I rolled my eyes.

"Just shut up, and come down stairs with me. I make a bad ass omelet."

She giggled all the way to the kitchen, clutching my hand tightly.

_Dear Jamie,_

_So, I think there's something you should know. I wanna tell you that I feel like I've failed you. I mean, all those days, after you were gone, and I sat in bed with a knife, I felt like I was betraying you. Like I was practically doing what you asked me _not_ to. I wanted to stop, you know, but I just couldn't. One week after you left me, I sat on my floor, bleeding, and that's when my mom found me. I was crying, and I was dying. The only noise I heard was "Self Conclusion" by The Spill Canvas, and our sobs: my mother's and I's. I let you down. Even now, I'm falling for someone, when it should've been you. I should've loved _you.

I stopped and rubbed my eyes. I could feel my eyes swelling, and the tears running down my face.

_It was you all along. I should've been there. I should've been your first _everything. _I wish I could've been your first kiss, your first date, your first girlfriend. I bet we would've been happy. I'm in deep now. I mean, there's Spencer, and she's so great. I think you'd love her Jamie. When I smile at her though, a little more of me breaks, knowing that it should've been you that I smiled like that for._

"So, how is the notebook going for you?" Dr. Howard asked.

"Uhm, good I guess?"

"You seem kind of nervous today."

I looked up at him.

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, you're fidgeting, sweating even though it's always a little chilly in my office, and you can't seem to keep my gaze. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, I mean, can I ask you something?"

"Of course. That's the point of all of this."

I sat on the edge of my chair, and placed my hands on my knees, fighting the urge to move around.

"Why can't I…let her go?" I whispered.

"I think you know the answer to that question."

"What?"

"I think you already know the answer, you just need to clear your mind of guilt, and truly think."

He looked over at his clock.

"But--"

"Time's up," he said, cutting me off.

I stepped out of his office. I closed the door and muttered "dick," to no one in particular.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Okay guys, the 8th chapter and still going! I have to admit though, as much as I love writing this for myself, reviews are always awesome. lol. Okay, so enjoy everyone!**

Chapter 8: Meditation? Are You Joking?!

I sat on my desk, reading an old book. You know, one of those books that a friend tells you is awesome, so you read it for them. But then you realize just how _bad _it is. Yeah, that's what I'm reading. I'm barely even reading it, more like skimming it. It's one of those cliché books, where the guy gets the girl of his dreams. It's _so_ unrealistic. It _should _be a book where they get a divorce in the end, and their two kids grow up hating them. Where the son gets into drugs and the daughter becomes the school's slut. Yeah, that seems _so _much more realistic. Suddenly, I'm snapped out of my inner rant, by the sound of footsteps.

"Hey," she said, standing against the frame of my door.

"Hey," I replied standing and walking over to her.

"What are you reading?" she asked, seeing the book in my hands.

I looked at it, and dropped it on the ground. I smiled and pulled her so that our noses were touching.

"Who gives a shit," I smirked, then leaning in and kissing her.

She let out a giggle when I finally pulled away. Having to breathe is something that drives me crazy, cause then it means having to pull away from her, even if for only a moment.

"Well, I see someone's happy today."

"Am I supposed to be bummed out whenever you visit me?" I asked, sarcastically.

"No," she laughed, "I just…I guess I'm not used to it yet."

"Oh," I said looking down. I suddenly felt like a total idiot.

"That's not what I meant. I just…I thought we were gonna go slow. Like maybe be friends first or something?"

"Is that what you want?"

"No, but I think it's what _you_ need. You don't need a girlfriend right now, you need a friend."

I couldn't help but smile. As much as I didn't want to admit it, she was probably right.

"Okay," I replied, slightly moving away from her.

"So, I uh came over because your mom said that you're starting to write. I guess I was kinda curious," she said blushing and staring at her feet.

I laughed at how cute she was right now.

"Are you and my mom bff's now or something?" I asked, laughing.

"No, she just likes to tell me to come over I guess."

"Oh, well that's a little weird. But it's nothing special. It's just for therapy or whatever."

"Oh, I see. Soo…tomorrow, I was going to go to this meditation thing that the Yoga club is having. It's at school, and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me? I don't know, maybe it'll help."

"Uhm, I'm not sure if _that_ is how I want to spend a Saturday."

"Please," she begged, "For me?"

"Ugh, _why_ is it I'm a sucker for pouts?!"

She laughed, "Because I'm just so darn cute when I do it."

I rolled my eyes.

"Fine, I'll go. What time should I pick you up?"

"Well, since it start at 8--"

"Wait! What the fuck? It starts at 8? Please tell me you mean 8 PM!"

"No, silly, 8 in the morning, and you can pick me up at 7:30."

"What? Oh hell no. Now see, I don't mind going, but at 8 in the morning?"

"Oh come on. Just sleep early tonight or something."

I let out a huge sigh of defeat.

"Fine, but if it's boring or stupid, I'm gonna kick your tiny white ass."

She laughed and lightly punched me.

"I can't help that my ass is small."

I laughed at her.

"I was joking, your ass is HUGE!" I yelled, as I darted down the stairs.

"You are in _so _much trouble Ash!" she yelled, chasing after me.

I open my eyes and looked around. I felt _so _stupid at the moment. _Almost_ as stupid as I looked. She's sitting next to me, actually doing what we're supposed to. I take this moment to actually _see_ who's in here. From what I can tell, they all appear to be people I don't know. Spencer _did _say they were all from the Yoga club, so that's probably why. _I bet Jamie would've enjoyed this, _I thought.

"Ash, it doesn't actually work if your eyes are open. Plus, your brain waves are off the charts," Spencer whispered in my ear.

"Well I can't help it. This is boring," I replied, in the same tone.

"Please try? I promise I'll make it up to you later."

_What the hell was _that _supposed to mean?!_

"Uhm, okay."

She laughed and shut her eyes again. I turned and faced forward, trying to do the same.

I sat there for what felt like hours, but was probably only five minutes, just listening to some 40 year old hippie women explain to us what we should be doing. The more times I heard "Just clear your mind, and let yourself float," the more I just wanted to walk up to her and _strangle _her! But I kept trying. I shut my eyes harder, and tried not to really think. But I couldn't help it; I needed something in my head. I felt a frown form on my face as I started to remember past events.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I would like to say two simple things. If you wish to badger my work, just don't fucking read it, okay? I mean really, I don't mind my work being critisized, but I HATE it when people tell me that what I write is crap, or the characters are crap. Two, if you have a problem with Ashley, or Ashley's issues with Jamie either get the fuck over it, or just stop reading! This is my life that I'm writing about, so just deal. Okay, my rant is done. Sorry about that. **

**A/N: So this chapter is MUCH shorter than all the others, but it's VERY important. Plus, I've been updating like every day, which is quite rare for me, so I won't be writing as much. lol. Okay, enjoy everyone. **

Chapter 9: It Feels Like I'm Starting to Live

"I liked that. It was kind of interesting," Spencer said.

We were walking to a café. Her hand tangled in mine.

"Ugh, I hated it," I replied.

"Aw, why? It was fun."

"Whatever. Therapy with Mr. Creepy is more 'fun' than that shit."

She laughed.

"Is that what you call your shrink?"

"Yeah," I replied laughing as well.

We walked in silence for a few minutes, her head resting on my shoulder.

"What did you mean earlier, when you said 'you'd make it up to me'?"

She looked down and blushed.

"Nothing," she muttered.

I stopped walking. I pulled her off the sidewalk so that we were leaning against a building and made her face me.

"Tell me. I won't get mad or anything."

"That's not what I'm afraid of."

"Then what is it Spencer?"

"I really…I don't want to be your friend."

"What?" I asked, my voicing cracking.

"No, that's not what I meant. It's just…I want to be more."

I pulled her into a hug.

"Then _let _me be more."

"I can't," she whispered.

"Why?"

"Because, you need a friend. You need time to heal."

I pulled away and kissed her. Passionately and hungrily. Only breaking away for little air, and diving right back. She was the first to full pull away. She rested her forehead on mine.

"I've had months to heal, Spencer. For the first time since Jamie died, I finally feel alive. _You _make me feel that way."

A tear fell down her face.

"Why are you crying?" I asked, kissing away her tears.

"Ashley, there's something I think you need to know before you make your decision about me."

"What? Are you like a runaway felon, or something?" I laughed.

She looked down at the ground.

"No," she whispered.

"Then what is it? I doubt it'll change my mind."

I stroked her hair, and kissed along her jaw.

"God, you're beautiful," I husked. "I'd love to visit that park again."

I lightly traced the skin right above her jeans, and she moaned softly.

"Please stop. You're making it hard for me to say what I need to."

"Then don't say anything," I said into her ear, kissing her jaw again. I kissed my way down her neck and sucked on her pulse point. She moaned again.

"Stop!" she said, pushing me away.

"Holy shit Spencer! What the hell was _that _for?!"

"I was her girlfriend."

"Huh?"

"Jamie. I was her girlfriend."

I don't remember what happened next.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Since the last chapter was rather short, and a lot of people wanted me to post soon, I went ahead and decided to update again. Enjoy everyone, and thank you to those who review and support me. I love you guys. **

Chapter 10: Who's Left to Lie 

I opened my eyes to find myself on the ground. I looked around. _Was it a dream?_ Gretta sat in front of me crying.

"Oh God, are you okay Ash?"

"Huh," I sat up and rubbed my head. It was suddenly killing me. "What happened?"

"You fainted," she said, still sobbing.

"Why?"

"Because I told you the truth."

"Oh, so it wasn't a dream, was it?"

She shook her head no.

"Please explain, before I run home and drown myself in my mother's scotch."

"Okay. I met her four months before she died. She and I were in the same youth group."

"You went to her church?"

"Yes. I had just moved here then, and my parents and I joined the same church."

Jamie was never extremely religious, but she wanted to learn. To learn about the one that so many called God.

"We hung out a lot, and a month after we met, we started to date. It was weird, because I never met her friends or family. She told me that she wasn't ready for that, and I was okay with that. I knew she needed time. The night I met you, I had no idea that your best friend was the same person as my ex."

"Wait! Ex?" I asked, now severely confused.

"Yes. She broke with me about two weeks before she died. She said that she couldn't be with me. That she was in love with someone else. She just saw me as a friend."

"And you were okay with this?"

"Not really, but eventually, I came to be okay with just being her friend."

"Oh man, this is starting to make my head hurt," I said, rubbing my forehead.

"It's probably from your fall."

"Please, just finish the story."

"I didn't realize that 'your' Jamie and mine were one in the same until recently."

"_How _recent?"

"I didn't know much about her, the more I think of it now. She hid most things from me, and maybe she did that so that if and when you and I met, we wouldn't be able to put the pieces together."

"That still didn't answer my question."

"I wasn't done. When you took me to meet Sara, that's when I knew. I saw pictures, and I knew. I couldn't say anything right away. Don't you see Ash; I can see how she fell for you. I'm afraid of losing you."

I looked down at the ground, then back at her, not even realizing how mad I had now become.

"Everyone has lied to me now. My mother, Jamie, and now you. Who is left to lie to me, huh? How can I trust you! I…I fucked you the night after she died, and you were her ex. Please, tell me, how fucked up is that?!"

"It's not my fault Ashy," she pleaded.

I stood up.

"I told you! Don't _fucking _call me that! EVER!"

I turned and faced away from her.

"Find someone else to fuck with. I don't need anymore reasons to see a shrink," I seethed as I began to walk away.

_Dear Jamie,_

_How could you? How could you keep so much from me?! I was always there for you! I _never_ would have judged you, and you know that. You were my best friend. You kept so much from me. I feel like you didn't need me. I miss you Jamie, and everything around me feels so wrong. I have this bad taste left in my mouth, as if I've tasted the most foul of things. I don't even know what to do. I lost you, my best friend. You loved me, and I didn't even know. You had a girlfriend, who I now like. I don't know what is real anymore. What other lies and secrets did you leave behind?_

"What's wrong Ash? You haven't touched your lunch," Anna said.

I shrugged, "I guess I just don't feel very good."

"Have you been taking your medicine?"

"Why is it every time I seem down, you have to ask that question? Normal people get sad too, you know?"

"Yeah, but your not exactly 'normal people'."

I took a deep breath.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Really Ash, what is it? You know you can tell me. Is it Spencer? Did she hurt you? Dammit I'm going to kick her--"

"Anna, calm the fuck down! It's okay. Spencer is…over."

"Over? Why?"

"Because, I'm tired of liars."

"I'm sorry Ash."

"Don't be. I have you Anna, and I really don't want a relationship anyways."

I watched Spencer walk past our lunch table, and I looked away. The rage that was building up inside of me was starting to surface. It was what she now did to me, and I really didn't like it.

**A/N: Now before I have you guys gang up on me about Spencer, just chill. Spashley ALWAYS works in the end of _this _story. Lol. BT-ubs, the next chapter, and a few more after that, will be in from the past. You'll get a _true _insight into who Jamie was, and how she felt about Ashley. Kay, night everyone. **


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Okay, so many people asked why Spencer called Ashley "Sam" once during the last update, and the reason is because one: I write these at like 2 in the morning lol, and two: I was texting my friend Sam while writing. That just proves that I SUCK at multitasking. lol. **

**A/N #2: I know many people have some sort of issue with Jamie, so fair warning: this chapter is in _her _point of view (in the past). If you are one of these people, then I suggest you not read this. Lol. Okay, for those of you that still want to read it, enjoy. I realize this one is also short, but the 12th chapter might be up later today as well. Enjoy!**

One year ago. (6 months before Jamie's death.)

Chapter 11: I've come with a Smile and a Coffee (Jamie's POV)

I open my eyes and stretch my body. It still hurts, but I could only expect that much. I know I should leave, or probably tell someone, but I'm always afraid. Not necessarily of him, but what will happen to me. Like what if they send me to live elsewhere? I guess I could always just live with my dad and step-mom, but what would happen to my mom? Would she ever leave?

I knew I had another two hours before school started, and yet going back to sleep seemed to be the last thing I could do. The only choice I really seemed to have was to go and see Ash. Knowing her, she'd probably be awake. Maybe watching Bones on DVD, or Gossip Girl. It amazed me how much she hated letting others know just how much she loved Gossip Girl. She claimed it'd ruin her reputation. It was just one of the many things I loved about her.

As I walked down the all too familiar street, I started to think about her. I realized that I was in love with her almost a year ago, or at least that's when I finally admitted it to myself. I haven't told her, and I'm not sure that I will. She's…straight.

"Ashy?" I asked, climbing into the window.

She rolled over and faced me.

"Mhmm?"

"Can I lay with you?"

"Mhm, course you can Jay," she replied, rubbing her eyes.

I smiled and tip-toed to her bed. I lied down, and she immediately snuggled into me. Her arm wrapped around my stomach and her face buried into my hair. It made me smile, just like every other time.

"I love you Jay. You're my best friend," she breathed.

My heart melted. Although she didn't feel what I felt, it still meant something.

"I love you too Ashy."

"Okay, I _know _you're not wearing that shirt!" Ash said.

I looked down at myself.

"And why not?" I asked, sarcastically.

"Uh, because it's _my _favorite shirt, and I was gonna wear it."

I laughed.

"You don't even like The Beatles!"

(A/N: In case you don't get this reference—which if you don't maybe you should re-read this story—Ash mentioned listening to The Beatles early in the story. She never liked them until _after _Jamie died)

"So! I can still love the shirt!"

"Ugh, Ashy, just shut up!"

We both started to laugh.

"If it was anybody else, I'd kick their ass," she said, still smiling.

"Yeah, well good thing I'm not anybody," I replied.

"No," she breathed, "You're definitely not."

My heart melted. Yet again.

Coffee was a ritual we had. Every morning, we drove to the Starbucks right next to our school. As much as I always fought it, she always paid for both of our coffee's. It was things like that, that which made me fall even deeper. Or how she tripped the guy that called me a 'dyke.' Or when she carried my books to my classes when I broke my leg. She was the perfect friend, and I always thanked whatever higher being that existed, for bringing her to me.

"So, that date's tonight, huh?" I asked, as we sat at our usual lunch spot.

It was under a big oak tree, in the corner of the school's campus. She handed me my lunch, and I quietly opened it.

"Yeah, but I don't think I'm gonna go."

"What? How come? I thought you liked this guy."

"Eh, I did, but we haven't spent a Friday night apart in a very long time. Why should I be the one to break such a historical tradition?"

She was so cliché sometimes, but I loved it nonetheless.

"Please don't do that. We can hang tomorrow night, and just pretend its Friday."

Her smile quickly turned serious.

"I don't wanna go with him. I'd rather stay in and watch The Office with you."

"Promise me that this is what you want Ashy?"

She smiled, "Yes, I promise."

As we sat on her couch, all snuggled up together, I wondered many things. I wondered what it was that _truly _made her cancel her date with Aiden (A/N: reference to flashback in another chapter). I wondered how long I could take being this close to her, and _not _kissing her. She always made me smile. She made everything at home fade. I never told her why I loved Friday nights so much. Sure, it meant watching hours of mindless TV shows, snuggled up in her arms, but I loved them specifically because I didn't leave until Saturday afternoon. Any night away from home, was a night of my dreams, and any night with her, was a night in heaven.

**A/N: Again, I know it was short, and probably seemed pointless, but I promise that there was a reason for it. Thanks for reading!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: So, same thing as the last chapter, it's in Jamie's POV. Also, if you don't like Jamie, just don't read it. lol. However, I hope that just because it's in Jamie's POV, that you aren't discouraged from reading it. Uhm, I'm not sure when the 13th chapter will be up. It might be a while. With marching band and college shit, I'm gonna be swamped, but I promise to try and post soon. This chapter is also sort of short, but still a little important. I'd just like to say thanks to all of the people that give me reviews and ask questions. If I ever confuse you, or you just want to know what exactly is going on, just send me a message. I'll try to reply as soon as I can. Alright, enjoy everyone!**

Chapter 12: Morning Breath, and Lunches to come (Jamie POV)

I rolled over, and I was in no way shocked to find Ashley still asleep. She tried to sleep in on Saturday mornings, although, she never could because I moved too much. I lied there for a few minutes just looking at her. Admiring her. Her nose would crinkle every so often, in the most adorable way. Her arms were squeezed tightly around my waist. Not in a way that hurt me, but more like protected me. I loved it. She lightly snored, and it made me giggle a little bit. I moved a few strands of hair out of her face, and she started to stir.

"Are you staring at me again JayJay?" she asked, with her eyes still closed.

"Maybe," I mumbled.

She laughed.

"Well stop. Go stare at a picture instead."

"Come on but head, I want to go swimming before I go home."

"Mhm," she pulled me closer and my breath hitched. "I feel perfectly fine right here."

My face felt completely flushed.

"Uhm, okay."

_How does she not feel what I feel? She treats me like we're together._

We finally got out of bed an hour later. We brushed our teeth in her bathroom, each of us to a different sink. We ended up laughing hysterically, and spraying toothpaste all over the place. I don't even remember what was so funny.

Instead of swimming, I wanted to just lie in the grass. Ashy, being my good ol' Ashy, obliged. She followed me outside with her Spiderman beach towel for herself, and a Flash one for me. _I love my little comic book geek. _

"Hey Ashy?"

"Yeah Jay?"

"Will you sing something?"

Although most people didn't know, Ashley sang. She had the most beautiful voice I had ever heard. She never sang in front of anyone though, well besides me anyways.

"Of course I will. I'll be right back."

I watched her scurry off into her house, only to return a few minutes later.

She sat down in front of me, with her black and red guitar. It always made me smile. I loved how much she cherished such a simple thing. It's the only guitar she'll use.

_You may tire of me as our December sun is setting__  
__'Cause I'm not who I used to be__  
__No longer easy on the eyes__  
__These wrinkles masterfully disguise__  
__The youthful boy below__  
__who turned your way and saw__  
__Something he was not looking for__  
__Both a beginning and an end__  
__But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize__  
__When he catches his reflection on accident_

_On the back of a motor bike__  
__With your arms outstretched trying to take flight__  
__Leaving everything behind__  
__But even at our swiftest speed__  
__We couldn't break from the concrete__  
__In the city where we still reside__  
__And I have learned__  
__That even landlocked lovers yearn__  
__For the sea like navy men__  
__'Cause now we say goodnight__  
__From our own separate sides__  
__Like brothers on a hotel bed _

_You may tire of me as our December sun is setting__  
__'Cause I'm not who I used to be_

("Brothers on a Hotel Bed" by Death Cab for Cutie)

Once she finished the song, nothing needed to be said. It was perfect. Everything with _her_ was. The simple fact that she wiped away the tears that I hadn't even felt run down my face, made me fall for her that much more. How could any one not love her? (A/N: Irony maybe?!)

I'll never forget the day she walked into my life. It was the day my life really started. As cliché as it might sound, it was true. I was lost before her, so very lost. She gave me hope that I hadn't had in years. She made me smile and laugh, something I wasn't used to.

_I sat down in the back, and quietly pulled out my notebook. I started to doodle, and noticed someone sit next to me. No one ever sat next to me. She looked at me and smiled. I looked all around, to see if she was looking at someone else, and then I heard her laugh. Such a beautiful laugh. Such a beautiful person._

"_Are you looking for someone?" she asked. _

_Her voice was angelic._

"_Uh, no…are you uh looking at me?" I asked, with a slight stutter._

"_Yeah. I'm Ashley, but you can call me Ash," she held out her hand._

_I hesitantly shook it and replied, "I'm Jamie."_

"_Nice to meet you Jamie. Hey, I know this is kind of sudden, but I don't like most kids I've met today, so would you like to have lunch with me? I'll pay," she said, then winking. _

_She smirked, and I swear, it was as though she pulled me in, and there was no escape. Not that I was really complaining._

"_I'd—love to."_

Such a simple thing, a lunch, was the beginning of our rich friendship. After that lunch, we were inseparable, and everyone knew it.

**A/N: Tell me what you guys think? I already know how the rest of the story will go, but if anyone has any ideas or comments on what they'd like to see happen in this story, let me know. I up for new ideas. Thanks everyone. **


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Sorry everyone. I know it's been a while since my last update. I've been seriously busy with school and everything. I'm currently working on the next two chapters as well. This is the last of the "Jamie" chapters. The rest will be in Ashley's POV. I'm thinking I might even do a chapter in Spencer's POV. Not sure yet. Anyways, enjoy everyone. I'm sorry if it's kind of short and not as good as other chapters. **

6 Months ago (Night of Jamie's death)

Chapter 13: Dark Can't Come Soon Enough (Jamie's POV)

"Happy birthday Ashy!"

She smiled.

"Thanks Jay."

I grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the house.

"Come on, we only have a few hours, and your wasting my time just standing there," I said.

She laughed.

"Okay okay, jeez Jay."

As we walked into our favorite restaurant, I thought about telling her. I wondered how things would change. If she'd still be friends with me in the morning. I quickly pushed away my thoughts. _Today is about her.'_

"Are you sure you can't spend the night at my house?" she asked, right as we were in my driveway.

"I'm sorry Ashy. You know I'd love to, but I can't."

"Okay."

She looked disappointed. I knew she'd be. I hate to make her feel that way.

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I said, trying to cheer her up.

She smiled.

"Yep. You promised me a movie date."

I laughed.

"That I did. Night Ash."

"Night Jay."

"Jamie! Where the _hell _are you?" I hear him scream.

I know he's in the living room. I know he's probably drunk and…horny. I know that's why he's calling me. So I sit in my room, hoping that he passes out before he can make it up the stairs. I know from the sound of his footsteps, that my wishes were not granted. If only I had stayed at Ashley's.

He throws the door open. He's barely standing straight, with a vodka bottle in his hand. I was 12 the first time I saw him like this. I was 12 the first time he tied me to my bedpost. I was only 12 the first time he raped me. I don't usually remember it; whether it's because I block out the memories myself, or because I'm always in so much pain. I was 12 the first time I contemplated suicide. When I was 14, I never thought of it again…until _now_.

I stared as he walked closer to me. What choice did I have? I could call the cops, but not at this moment. Why didn't I tell anyone? Because he scares me. Why haven't I run? Because he scares me. Why can't I kick him and call Ash, tell her to pick me up? Because he scares me.

"You're mom isn't home," he seethed.

He was now close enough so that I could smell the alcohol in his breath. I vowed years ago, never to drink.

I never answered.

He just looked at me, waiting for me to speak, but I was refusing.

He slapped me across the face.

"What are you, a fucking mute?" he screamed. His words were only slightly slurred.

The next thing I remember, was waking up, naked, and with several new bruises. And dumb as the man was, he always seemed to bruise me in places so that others wouldn't know, unless I showed them of course. I never did.

I stared at myself in the mirror. I felt the need to vomit. It was at that moment, that I realized I just wanted to die.

In this moment of weakness, of pain, there's only one face I see, one voice I hear. I wonder what it'll be like when it's all over. When all the blood is gone. I wonder if there's a heaven. If there's a hell. Was he right about lesbians? Do we really go to hell? I can't imagine so. No, I'll prove him wrong. When _his_ corpse is rotting in the pits of hell, with Satan laughing at him, I smile down from Heaven, and whisper _"I told you so," _even if it's only for me to hear. He's wrong. He'll _always_ be wrong. I am loved. I _was _loved. She may not have been _in _love with me, but she loved me nonetheless.

I crawl to my desk and pull out a sheet of paper and a pen. I think about who I want to write to, and I think of no one else but Ash. She's the only one who seems worth it. With the last pieces of strength in my body, I silently and diligently write. He'll be home soon, and I want to be gone by then.

As I feel my self fade, I turn on my computer and play "Self Conclusion" by The Spill Canvas. I set it to repeat. My eyes are getting heavy and I look down at my arms. I silently whisper her name, over and over.

"Ashley," is whispered one last time in the dark, as I shut my eyes for the final time.

**A/N: So, tell me what you think. If you liked it, if you hated it. Let me know. Thanks peeps! :)**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Okay, so I kind of changed my mind about putting any of this in Spencer's POV. Sorry to anyone who might've wanted that. Anyways, after this, there's only one chapter left. It'll also be up today. I'm thinking I might write a sequel, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm going to start working on "I hear Voices...." again. I want to finish it, and I have an idea of where I want it to go. Anyways, thanks everyone, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. Sorry if it's short, but I am giving you all the last three chapters in one day. lol.**

Chapter 14: Time Can't Heal All Wounds

I sat at my desk, listening to the music flowing through the room, when there was a knock at my door. I walked down the stairs and swiftly opened the door, immediately regretting doing so.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"Can we talk?" she asked, fidgeting.

"No, I'm done talking."

"Please, I just—I want to make things right."

"And just how do you expect to do that Spencer?!"

"I'm not entirely sure, but maybe, we can talk about what was said, and just see where it takes us."

"Fine, come in I guess."

We walked over to the living room, and we sat on opposite sides of the couch.

"Okay, I just want--"

"Before you say anything, I just have one question," I said, cutting her off.

"Okay, what is it?"

"Did you lie to me? The first night we met? You said you had never been kissed. You dated Jamie, so how could that be true?"

She nodded her head and took a long minute to think.

"This is true. We did date, but she never kissed me."

"Okay, now I'm seriously confused."

"Every time I tried to, she just merely said that she wasn't ready."

"It wasn't true, was it?"

"She was just waiting for you."

I looked down.

"I know," I whispered.

"Why can't I ever call you Ashy?"

"Because that was her right."

"Jamie's?"

"Yes."

I watched out of the corner of my eyes, as Spencer moved closer to me.

"Please Ash, just let me back in. Even if we can only be friends. I just…I can't lose you."

"I can't."

"Why?" she asked, sounding heartbroken.

"You know something? It isn't true what they say. Time can't heal all wounds. I lost my best friend six and half months ago. I fell in love with her ex. To top it all off, I can't help but regret only one thing."

"And what is that?"

"I regret walking away the other day. I mean, I think I had the right to be mad at you, but I forgive you," I smiled. "I love you Spencer. Plain and simple. I've been through a lot these past several months, but ever since you walked into my life, I've been a lot happier. I feel alive when you're around. I miss Jamie so much, but I'm so grateful for her. She sent you to me when I needed you the most."

I wiped the tears off of her face.

"Why are you crying?" I asked, nervously.

"Thank you," she whispered.

I smiled and leaned in to kiss her.

"How have you been since we've last spoken?" Dr. Simon asked.

"I've been good and bad. I mean, I think the last of Jamie's secrets have been revealed. I still miss her, don't get me wrong, but I think I'm finally starting to move on. I'm in love with one of the greatest girls I've ever met."

He smiled, and for once, it didn't really bother me.

"That's great Ash."

I smiled back, not even caring that he called me Ash.

This is what Spencer is now doing to me. She's making me a better person. No, I take that back. She's bringing the better side of me _out_. Just as Jamie had done so long ago. Spencer's my new best friend. My girlfriend. The love of my life.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: SO this is it! The last chapter. Thank you to all those that read this story, and to everyone that reviewed it. Okay, so hope you like it! :)**

Chapter 15: Old Friends, New Beginnings (Epilogue)

Sitting here brings her back. Every fond memory and they all make me smile. Most days, it feels like she hasn't left. Like somehow, she's always here, watching over me. Sitting in this grass, I know I'll never forget her. Why would I want to? Years ago, at the crazy age of 17, I would've given an arm and a leg to forget her. Not now, though. Now, I thank her everyday for what she did. For whom she was. For being my best friend. My savior.

I climbed up a mountain, and looked off the edge  
And all of the lies that I never have led  
Is one where I stayed with you, across the sea  
I wonder do you still think of me  
I carry your image always in my head  
Folded and yellowed and torn at the edge  
And I've look upon it for so many years  
Slowly I'm loosing your face

Oh the ocean rows us away, away, away  
The ocean rows us away

Six's and seven's we live on jet planes  
And so many faces I don't know the names  
So many friends now and none of them mine  
Forgotten as soon as we meet  
All of these moments are lost in time  
Your caught on my head like a thorn on a vine  
But to hurt but to mend me that I wonder why  
Do I wish I've never known you at all

Oh the ocean rows us away, away, away  
The ocean rows us away

Oh the ocean rows us away, away, away  
The ocean rows us away

The sun and the moon  
An ocean of air  
So many voices  
But nothing is there  
The ghost of you asking me why  
Why did I leave

Oh the ocean rows us away, away, away  
The ocean rows us away

Oh the ocean rows us away away away

And I loose your hand through the waves

("The Ocean" by The Bravery)

I don't sit here alone. I never come to these fields alone…At least, not anymore. This place was once for only Jamie and I, but now we share it with Spencer as well. She holds my hand and she tightens her grip from time to time, as if to remind me that she's still there.

We don't feel like we're living in the past just because we still think and speak of Jamie. We know that we live in the present and sometimes even the future.

I've been with Spencer for six years. We've lived together for five. We've been married for three. I lightly trace patterns across her stomach, thinking about the little one growing inside her.

It's going to be a girl. I just know it.

"Let's name her Jamie," Spencer said, causing me to snap out of my own head.

"What happened to it being a boy?" I asked, laughing.

"I had an ultra sound today."

"And you didn't tell me?"

I was a little hurt. I loved to go with her.

"I'm sorry babe; I just wanted to surprise you myself."

"So it's a girl?" I asked, smiling.

She giggled.

"Yes, it's a girl."

I bent down and kissed her stomach.

"Hi Jamie. I can _not _wait to meet you."

**A/N: So, I reposted this chapter, because apparently, I was dumb, yet again, and wrote "Gretta" instead of Spencer. I really need to stop texting while writing. Lol. My bad everyone. **


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